Soakin' up the sun, even though it's 115*

I came home from Sunsplash (our local water park) with some bits of advise.

1. Think long and hard before you tattoo your lover's name on your chest. (Maybe skip the tattoo all together.)

Tattooing "Claire" above a crossed out "Veronica" brings shame to your love game. Declare your devotion for your main squeeze in a less permanent way. Putting her name on a T-shirt, or spelling out your love in red plastic cups, on the chain link fence on Lindsey Blvd., might be a better option?

2. A bikini will betray you like a philandering boyfriend

Sure, your yellow polka-dot bikini behaves while you're lounging poolside, but as soon as you step into the water for a swim, it will misbehave. While my homgurl and I were floating down the lazy river, a girl emerged from underneath the water sans bottoms. Let's just say: Full moon on Friday. Yikes. My advise is to stick with the monogamous, faithful one piece; it promises to stay and cover your ladybits, come water or sun.

3. Put down the book and swim

I'm the kind of mom who watches her kids swim from the comfort of a lounge chair. I don't like getting wet because the chlorine turns my hair into a green toupee. So instead, I enjoy the pool from a distance, periodically dipping my feet to cool off. But since it was a whooping 115* out today, I went swimming almost the entire time. My homies couldn't believe I was even in the water. They hung on my neck, whispered secrets in my ear, and raced me down the water slides. I need to worry less about my toupee and focus more on just livin' it up. Who cares what I look like, anyway?

P.S. I just snarfed an entire box of Goobers while writing this post. Muzzle, maybe?