Friday, August 20, 2010

Substitute Teacher

Yesterday I substitute taught the kids in room F-5, and I may have behaved like Miss Viola Swamp. By the end of the day I had a pulsating headache, and here are the reasons why:

1. All 15 boys in the class asked to go to the bathroom, multiple times. After 20 bathroom passes, I quit counting. I remember hearing somewhere that you can never say no. So, since it was my first time teaching, I didn't want to get fired for letting Anthony Clepper wet his pants. Next time I will reward kids who wait until the allotted bathroom break times. Cash prizes, maybe?

2. They peeled old scabs and then asked for Band-Aids to treat the fresh blood oozing from their miniature sores. 3 kids did this.

3. One student told me, and the rest of the class, a story about how his mom was screaming her head off at his dad for drinking too much the night before. Then ten other kids joined in with stories that had nothing to do with the properties of a rectangle. Next time I will bring my director's clapboard. Cut!

4. They used their rulers as light sabers, and while I was scouring for the grammar worksheets, they built the Empire State Building out of pink pearl erasers.

5. They told me the teacher keeps her math book in her desk, and when I looked in the desk,
they said, "Just kidding. It's not really there." I taught math sans the teacher's edition--very dangerous for an English major. Plus, I forgot to wear my dress shields, and all that math made me perspire from head to toe, and also in my underarms. I had armpit tacos until lunch.

6. At the end of the day one girl announced to the class that I was the best teacher they've ever had, and this bit of news brought a tear to my eye. I think I was exhausted by this point.

P.S. I split the zipper in my hand-me-down jeans while I was shimmying them on this morning. Not a good feeling.


  1. ohhh nooooo! armpit tacos!! haha seriously though... what are dress shields? I need to know :)

    sounds like a rip roaring good time. but not really.

  2. They prevent the pit tacos from appearing for all to see. It's kind of like a Depend pad for your underarms. My mom used to wear them under her church dresses. She had to lead our ward choir and didn't want her coir to see her sweat rings.

    You must never let your students see you sweat under pressure:)

  3. Hey...Maybe you need to switch places for a day with votre amor????? He'd have them saluting him......and want him back the next day!!!!!And he'd probably tell them to tie it up!!!!!!

  4. Seriously, Dad, they don't come much better than you and Bryce. Love you!

  5. LOL This was not only hilarious but appropriately timed as I am getting ready to sub soon. What I really need to do is get some good weapons (metaphor) so I will be ready when the fight is on...

  6. Margaret, There are books on Amazon about how to be the best sub in the world. I'm investing in a few, ASAP. A bag filled with treats, candy, and cash should serve you well.

    I've since taught at the high school, and I think I like teenagers the most. I told one kid if he didn't put his ipod away, I was going to call the principal. Then I walked over to the phone and acted like I was getting ready to call him, and the class was shocked. Then I said, "Just kidding, Dustin, I'm not really going to call the principal." The whole class started laughing.

    I think you should put your sense of humor in that bag, too. And also, I'm sending you some good luck karma this very instant:)