Saturday, July 11, 2009

Carolyn: Complaint #234

Carolyn lives in the house directly behind my house. She's grouchy and her heart matches her ice blue eyes. I've tried to be nice, giving her freshly baked pumpkin cookies, talking to her for hours about her blooming rose bushes, accommodating her concerns: your dog barks too much, your kids yell too much, your house is too close, your trees are too big, and your yard guy blows too much dust. My niceties have had no avail because her complaints keep coming, clogging my phone line like hair in a shower drain.

While I was away on my staycation, Carolyn left me the following message:

Hi Katy, this is Carolyn (my eyes rolling until they ached). It's time to trim your Sasquatch tree (like she's my mom or something). If you need help seeing how it should be trimmed, my neighbor has done a really good job maintaining her tree, so you might want to take a look, get a few pointers. Just get that tree trimmed as soon a possible. K? Bye.

I was fuming, and I felt like lobbing rocks and weeds into her pool. I wanted to hang a sign over her fence, saying: SIT ON IT, CAROLYN! Instead I exhibited self control and called mi Amor. Being the good Christian man that he is, he called a professional tree trimmer. Since we don't have a chainsaw or a ladder high enough to do the job ourselves, we'll be shoveling out one hundred and fifty dollars (that we don't have) to trim the tree 3 centimeters back from the fence line.

Are you happy now, Carolyn? Taking money from the poor like that?

Tonight I'm praying that I'll get over this situation. After all, tomorrow is the Sabbath. I'm going to sing extra loud during the sacrament hymn in hopes for extra forgiveness. I need it in a bad way.

P.S. Maybe Carolyn should worry less about my tree and more about her grapevines.


  1. I don't think that I'd be to quick to trim that tree if I were you. I'd let her sit and stew over it for a bit longer. Then when the next phone call comes you can inform her that if she wants the tree trimmed a specific way by a specific time.. then she should get her gummpy butt off of her plastic covered couch and DO IT HERSELF :)

  2. oh man. i have a neighbor like that. we dont give him our # though and if we see him coming we run for our lives. im always jealous of people with good neighbors. i little tolerance would be nice especially since you have to tolerate those annoying yummy grapes coming over your wall hehe. or are you not allowed to touch the grapes? cuz i would totally be snitching them!

  3. I sure they're sour grapes:) We have had some nice encounters with her, so I try to focus on those times. She really can't be that big of a witch, right?

  4. We have a Carolyn in our neighborhood by the name of "Phil"! I agree with Mendy-- Don't cut the tree!! We can't give in to these neighborhood bullies!!

  5. Such a bummer! I know how you feel in other aspects as neighborhoods go. Good luck with the crazy neighbor. I'm praying for my own forgiveness in dealing with my own neighbor :)

    Sounds like you're really patient. More patient that I would be.

  6. Dacia, It's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

  7. Carolyn reminds me of Cruella De Vil.