Monday, August 10, 2009

Ready, Set, Don't Go!

The three empty holes in my heart: I ripped off Build-A-Bear's idea and stuffed a heart filled with kisses and wishes into each of their pockets.

The napkin my homie refused to pack in his lunch, "I can't read yet," he said.

Even though I can no longer stand the sound of her voice, I've stooped to using the title to one of Miley Cyrus' #1 hit songs: "Ready, Set, Don't Go." I must admit I cried tears of joy when I saw her in concert two years ago. Our seats were so close to the stage, we could almost smell the scent of her baby-powder fresh deodorant. I'm a fickle, fair-weather fan and now realize that she's devoid of any real talent, but her song title suits the mixed feelings I've had while returning my homies back to school.

Since 1998, I've waited for the chance to try on clothes, uninterrupted, in a dressing room without three little soldiers all in a row, faces turned opposite of mine. I've dreamed of having lunch where chicken nuggets and hot dogs are not a menu choice. I've pined for the day when I could rock out to The Smiths without protests from the back row, "This song stinks. We want to listen to the Jonas Brothers!"

Today is that day. It's finally arrived, and I don't know what to do with myself. The options are endless and overwhelming. It's like I'm standing naked on an open stage, my hands cupping only what's necessary; I' m completely unprepared, stagnant, and afraid. Last night I told mi Amor,

"I need to find a job, something with structure, predictability. Then I've got to hide behind it. I no longer have an excuse for inefficiency. People will expect perfection, and I'm expecting even more than that. The pressure is unreal."

He told me to relax, to enjoy it. "Do all the things you've dreamed of doing: Go to the gym. Write a book. Blog until your fingers are numb. Go back to school. Go shopping. Build a closet. Organize. Get your hair done. Paint your nails. Read your scriptures. Go to the temple."

"Where do I begin?" I asked.

I've been crying on and off since last night's father's blessings. I already miss my kids like crazy. I drove home, from dropping them off, in a silenced haze, almost missing the entrance into our neighborhood. No one is here standing next to me, typing gibberish like: 2+6456+2+659 33333662, while I'm trying to blog or answer emails. I am now my one and only distraction, and that realization is making me a sick, nervous wreck. I can't stand being alone with myself; we don't get along.

So now I'm counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until their return. We're going to get frozen yogurt when they get home, and I can't wait. We'll talk about how much I've missed them, and about all the latest drama. I won't tell them how naked and alone I feel without them here. I'll tell them to continue spreading their wings, soaring in this beautiful world of opportunity. Then I'll pray I can do the same.


  1. I'm with you. I don't know what to do with myself. I found myself crying off and on all day long. I arrived early to pick up my girls and even waiting 20 minutes in the heat for Shayne's bus to arrive!
    I now have to begin to figure out me. I thought this day would never come!

  2. The day comes....and it will pass so quickly. Cherish every moment!!!! My baby starts his Senior year next week. I cry everytime I'm reminded. I don't know where thsese precious years went, but I can only thank Heavenly Father that I had the opportunity to teach them!!!

  3. This post is so inspiring! I love the napkin, the frozen yogurt and all your husbands ideas for you. I wouldn't know where to start either. The thought is scary and inticing at the same time.

  4. Oh Katy! I'm crying....I do not want that day to come, but yet I do. One more year with my little Ryan....I am going to enjoy every minute of it! Hopefully, without Sponge Bob! I'm with Bryce...go to the Temple, make a list of things you want to do, but couldn't with little Joshie.....Ur kids are the picture, and Hannah...what an adorable outfit for your first day of school!

  5. Can I just tell you ladies that I love you? I really do. I wish you could have been with me, today, when Josh's teacher had to pry me away from the door so she could shut me out of her class. I went to the office to talk to the secretaries instead. I apologized for not taking a shower and them asked them for a job, in Josh's class. "We don't allow moms to work with their own children." They said. I said, "There's always room for exceptions, right?"

  6. you are such a sweet mom. you know whats interesting? that you want to build a closet. haha i can't wait to see it!!!

  7. First thing tomorrow morning, head to Anthropologie, and you'll remember who you are.

    I think you should write a book. I see a book in your future. Many books.

  8. That is a serious compliment, Louise, and I thank you for it. I even made my husband come over to the computer screen to read it. "Look what celebrity Louise wrote."

    I've queried this agent, Tina Wexler from ICM. I'm stuck on her representing me for whatever reason. She told me no once, but I'm going to try again.

    I do need an Anthropologie spree--a new dress for the new me.

  9. Okay, not sure that my last comment posted... sometimes it gets translated in Japanese and then I get confused and start pushing a bunch of buttons and then it kicks me off.... soooooo... try again.

    GIRL, you are crazy! My kids left me solo last year for the first time and I loved every minute of it. And this is coming from a Mom who LOVES summer time because it means I get to be with my kids 24/7. In fact I often ditch my girlfriends on our days off from school because I want to do something with just my kids. BUT after having them home all summer long it is nice to have alone time... I totally agree with your hubby: lunch with friends, work out, shower without interruptions, read, blog away, and get organized before the troops come home and you have to start over again. It is good for Mom and good for the troops. YOU are AWESOME... just tell your innerself to get a clue, naked or not. Enjoy this new phase and welcome to the club!

  10. I need to write a follow up post. I'm loving all this new time to myself--loving it a little too much.

  11. You definitely need to write a book! YOu are such an amazing writer! I finally got the chance to come catch up over here and I can't go to bed cause I"m so entertained. I'm glad to read that last comment and know that you're ok. I can totally relate to all this though. It's so weird to be the mom with kids at school all day. SO weird.