Once a week my homgurl and I cuddle on the couch and watch a new episode of TLC's hit TV show, "Toddlers and Tiaras." Have you heard of it? Does the TV show disgust you, huh? Do you become shelled-shocked as you watch the moms transform their sweet little girls into miniature tramps, all in hopes of winning a small wad of cash and becoming Miss Grand Supreme of Who Knows What?
A good mom encourages her daughter to watch wholesome classics like Anne of Green Gables and The Sound of Music. But, no, my homegurl is stuck with a mom who has a macabre sense of humor, and so, instead, we watch shows where parachuters fall from the sky with faulty chutes and moms turn their sweet angels into Britney Spear look-a-likes.
If you want to see an outrageous clip from the show, click here. My kids can do a perfect impression of Makenzie (the girl in the clip), and it's just so sick and wrong and hilarious, all at the same time. They go around the house saying, in a perfect southern accent, "You are driving me nuts!" We all laugh and say how crazy she is and how crazy we are for wasting our time on a show that exploits children.
The show has one redeeming characteristic, though: beauty tips. One mom used a Kai razor to contour her daughter's eyebrows. It was very humane of her mom, since waxing the eyebrows of a five year-old could be considered a form of physical abuse. Within six strokes of her magic wand, the mom had perfectly shaped the girl's eyebrows. I was jeal to my core, because waxing makes me bleed, so I immediately popped up from the couch and ordered some magic wands from Amazon.com. I just knew it was the answer to eliminating the baby caterpillar that's living on my upper lip.
It's been two days since I clipped the critter, and my lip looks great. I don't have a five o'clock shadow. And you know what else? Shaving doesn't make your hair come in thicker; that's an old wives' tale. So if you want a painless way to get rid of any unwanted hair, Kai razors are for you, me, Miss V., and the sick moms on "Toddlers and Tiaras."
P.S. I lost my spray tan in the lazy river.